Zell's Lonliness
by rampage tonberry
Summary: First, one wonderful thing happens to Zell. Or does it? And then a horrible thing happens. yaoi seifer/zell, mention of squall but not glowing praise...
1. 1

Zell half sat, half lay in the quiet lonely room of the orphanage that had been his home for the first part of his life. He had come here, he speculated, as an escape when Garden life had become unbearable. That had been the fault of passions that would never be satisfied becoming too intense for the comparatively naïve martial artist.   
Yeah, fighting is an art, no matter what they say. The way his body moves during a fight is the only art I'll ever need to see.  
Zell stared out the window, watching the surf, the lighthouse, the stars. The night was warm, so he wore no clothes and was shielded only by a thin sheet, moved by the warm breeze that came in the open windows. This same breeze ruffled his honey gold hair and stirred a lonely tear out of his left eye, tracing part of the black spidery tattoo that ran down the defined cheekbone.   
I am alone. There is no one there for me, who cares about me more than a classmate. If I was to die they would feel sad for a few minutes and forget. Even he would forget me. Forget they ever knew Zell Dincht. Forget how they laughed at him in the hallway. Forget how he would always be there for them, either to go train with or just to hold the door, entirely thankless.   
They have made it obvious that they do not care. Why should I go on living if no one will even know?  
  
Yet outside, purposely out of the sight line of anyone in that window, was someone who DID care about the blonde martial artist. He sat watching Zell, fighting with himself whether or not to go and take away his pain. But the watcher was stronger than any doubt and walked up to the window, careful that Zell would not notice him until the last minute.  
Zell had put his head down, absorbed in silent weeping over his lion, the warrior Squall who was currently engaged to a lovely, perfect girl whom he loved. A lovely perfect couple in their lovely perfect world. That world had no place for Zell.  
The taller man, Zell's voyeur, had finally and quite silently reached the window. Gently, he ran his hand through the windblown hair on the back of Zell's neck, startling him. He shot up to view the man facing him, watching him with longing.  
"Seifer?"  
And it was. Seifer encircled Zell with a strong arm and drew him in for a gentle kiss. Zell tried to protest but Seifer did not let him, at least for a moment. Then the younger boy broke away.  
"What the hell?"  
"Hyne Zell I love you. I always have. It's always made me so angry to watch you in love with him, to watch him not care, not even realize. He doesn't need you, Zell, but I do. Every time I fought with him the stakes were higher than they seemed, than anyone thought. Every battle was over you, though neither of you two knew it. I thought that if I could beat him down you'd love me. And then when it didn't work, I lashed out at you." Seifer was watching Zell with sad eyes, large and reflecting of the martial artist's pain.   
"Zell, you're perfect. I don't understand how anyone else could think otherwise. Your passion, lust for life, your constant energy, your daring manic grin, everything about you is inspiring. And your deeper self, that you kept hidden but some have speculated about, comes out sometimes just to show that you are more than you seem. If Squall is too blind to see that, he doesn't deserve you.   
"I need you Zell. But I'd rather you be happy than to force myself upon you." Seifer sighed. "You know the pain of love neglected... Cya around, you know where to find me."  
Seifer started to walk away, slowly, not wanting to leave. If Seifer had said anything else, Zell would be questioning how believable it was. Seifer would not lie about this, and if he did Zell would have believed anway.   
"Seifer, come back!" The older boy turned, looked mournfully over his shoulder, and kept walking slowly. Zell, thinking quick, grabbed a pair of shorts off the floor and ran after him. He stopped Seifer, placing a hand on his shoulder and pulling him to a halt.  
"Seifer... you're right. I should have given up on Squall a long time ago. But... well, what you said, it stirred something loose. A... a love." Zell wiped the tear off of his cheek. "For you. From a long time ago. I'd pushed it away, an unlikely desire. I thought that Squall was all that I could have, that two wants was wrong, and that you'd never go for guys anyway. I was wrong, I see." He blushed. "But I still feel that way. Its not love, but... it could be."  
Seifer's eyes lit up. This is what he'd been praying for, beyond his best expectations. He drank in the younger boy's appearance, strong hard muscles all down the tanned chest, the skater shorts with obviously nothing underneath them, the blonde hair still as Seifer had made it which was beautifully disorderly, the spidery tattoo that Zell would not explain its meaning, and the expression of not the usual manic grin but of a hopeful waiting, that echoed what Seifer had just felt.  
Seifer wanted to speak, to say something to express his feelings. But there just weren't words for this. So many emotions, all bundled up in a package deal entitled 'love- angst ended', given to merciless few. For lack of words, a kiss compensated. One hand locked itself gently into the hair at the nape of Zell's neck, one entwined fingers with Zell's, their lips pressing together lightly. Zell moaned gently and parted his lips, an opening for Seifer's softly curious tongue. When they finally broke the kiss, they looked down and began to laugh softly. The tide had come in and both were standing in water. Zell's feet were wet. Seifer, the ever gallant knight, picked the younger boy up and carried him back to the orphanage window, placing Zell in first before climbing in himself.  
"Seifer..." Zell whispered. Seifer looked deep into Zell's eyes, probing the boy's thoughts. He had wanted Seifer, fantasized about him, dreamt about him... Seifer realized that Zell wanted himself almost as badly as he wanted Zell. Hyne, this was Seifer's ultimate wet dream- Zell entirely willing, in love with Seifer, barley clad in anything, in a great setting... Seifer didn't know what he had done to deserve all of this but he thanked every Guardian Force individually and by name. 


	2. 2

Zell woke up. He moaned in pain, feeling a... hangover? eat at his forehead. His strange dream was quickly forgotten as his suroundings sunk in. He was not in his room. The pair of hungry hands that caressed his strong abs and lower were not his own hands.  
Zell was lying nude in a set of warm, bare arms that were having their gentle way with him, and a warm mouth was devouring the back of his neck. That particular sensation ceased to exsist.  
"You're up." The voice sounded seductivley quiet, as well as fiercly proud, even victorious.   
Shocked, Zell realized he knew this voice. It was Squall's voice.  
Panicked, Zell broke free of Squall's arms and managed to get off of the bed, suprising him enough so that Zell could bolt out of the dorm suite and run down the hall. It was too early for students to be in the hallways, so there weren't any. He sprinted until he reached his own dorm suite, keyd in the code, dashed inside, and bolted to the highest security level. Zell drunk an Estuna, ridding himself of the hangover, so he could think clearly about what had actually happened, and how he had gotten into Squall's bed. Zell felt betrayed.   
(Flashback)  
"Hey Zell..."  
"Hey Squall!" Zell was exiting the training center, and Squall had been waiting for him.  
"I was going to go down to the pub this evening. Want to come?"  
"Aint got nothing else to do. Sure." And soon enough Zell met Squall by the front gate. Zell noticed how good his commander looked, how prepared. He had thought little or nothing of it. Squall lead the way down to the bar, a respectable-looking establishment. He ordered a beer, and ordered Zell a Galbaldian Fire Whiskey.   
"Go on Zell, drink it. It's really good stuff." Zell shrugged and complied. It was good, he guessed, if you liked that kind of stuff. Squall continued to feed Zell liquor. His memory began to get less and less clear, but he knew most of what had happened. He could guess. And the weird thing was, Zell had thought that he liked Squall. He had admired him for his honor... but now... Zell couldn't respect the honor of someone who would get his best friend drunk off his ass and then fuck him.  
The sheer betrayal broke something deep within Zell. It was like when some enemy, he couldn't remember what, had cast dispel on him, removing all of the protective spells that had been built up.   
Zell Dincht did something that he hadn't done in a long time. He started crying. Silently, hot tears burned their way down his black spidery tattoo that ran down the defined cheekbone. The delicacy of the crying soon degenerated into sobbing as Zell sat on his bed and shook with the tears.   
"why?" he murmered aloud. "why why why..."   
But he knew the answer. He just didn't want to face it. Squall had obviously not wanted a relationship with him. He hadn't considered Zell's feelings. He just wanted a night of pleasure. Maybe he was hoping that Zell wouldn't say anything to Rinoa. Maybe he was hoping that he could give Zell the excuse that he had been drunk too. Zell knew, somehere inside himself, that Squall would probably expect for a similar thing to keep happening. The commander gets his publicity girlfriend and his secret fuck. Zell didn't leave his room all day.   
  
His phone rang. He didn't answer. It was probably Squall. It rang until the answering machine got it.  
"Hey! Um, this is Zell's room... If you're calling for Zell, then you have the right number... BEEP! No, just kidding." -BEEP-  
"Zell. It's... It's Seifer. I'm kinda worried. I mean, you haven't skipped lunch in five years. Or any other meal for that matter. So what's the matter now? I mean, I've thought a lot about suicide since... well, you know, the whole thing, and I knew that I wouldn't be discovered in my room dead if i did cs for a few days. So... if you're okay, call me back. Tomorrow I'm breaking in if I haven't heard from you. Bet they'll blame me then, but then this message will still be on this answering machine. So... I hope you're okay." -CLICK-  
Zell was slightly shocked out of his depression. Seifer cared? Seifer never cared. Why would Seifer care? The knowledge that SOMEONE cared gave him the incentive to get out of bed, take a shower, and get dressed. He felt better. Squall was a loser but SOMEONE cared about him. He flipped through the Garden Phone Directory and found Seifer's number. He picked up the phone. He felt nervous, somehow, like he wouldn't be sure what to say to Seifer. He strenghtened his resolve and dialed the number.   
"Hey. (pause) Zell?"  
"Yeah, how'd you know?" Zell knew his voice sounded thin and weak.   
"Caller I-D. So, what's wrong?"  
"I don't really want to talk about it."  
"Come on. You'll never get over whatever it is if you don't talk about it."  
"No, I really dont-"  
"Great. I'll be right over." -CLICK- Zell wasn't sure if he'd heard what he thought he'd heard. After Seifer's last words, Zell thought that Seifer had whispered 'Zell' to himself, quietly, amazed. And Seifer hadn't called him ChickenWuss once. He'd used Zell's name twice, counting the phone message from earlier, and had called him Zell like the most normal of -KNOCK!- A muffled form of Seifer's voice spoke.  
"Hey Zell..."  
Zell shrugged mentally and undid the security he had placed on the door and opened it. Seifer stood there, looking much the same as always. (Not like Squall, who had to dress up) He smiled shyly, a completley out-of-charachter expression for Seifer.  
"Hey, howya feeling?"  
Zell looked down, his eyes going to the space of floor between his bare feet and Seifer's booted ones. Seifer gently stepped onto the carpet of Zell's room, closing the door behind him. He looked at Zell, sharing in his ailment whatever it was and then ran a hand through Zell's hair, still damp and unstyled from the shower. Zell knew that he wanted to tell Seifer. He wanted comfort. Seifer could provide that. He saw now.   
"Well... better."  
"Will you tell me what's wrong now?"  
"Yeah, I guess so..." Zell explained what Squall had done. Seifer just stared at him. Slowly, he took Zell in his arms and held the smaller boy to his chest. His left hand found it's way to Zell's wet hair again and it fingered the damp strands. Zell held Seifer like a life raft, and he cried out the last of his pain. Once Zell's tears had slowed, and then stopped, Seifer gently wiped them off. It was all so perfect, Seifer cared so much. Very slowly, leaving plenty of warning, Seifer leaned in to touch his lips to Zell's. Zell didn't struggle. He didn't know why such a good thing came out of such a bad one, but he was glad that happened. 


End file.
